This is the 3rd version of the first sentence for this particular post. I am trying to find a nice way to start or to even continue with what I am going to say. So I guess I'll go for what I do best: no-nonsense, straight talk.
With that said, let me begin by telling you that I am already letting go of this blog.
Maybe you can imagine how this is really difficult for me, even if we put aside the drama. I've had Rucksack Stories and Taraddidles (the "sister blog") for more than a couple of years already. If I'm recalling it right, I've had them both since 2010. And so it is with a heavy heart that I am about to move out of them.
So why am I doing this? Honestly, I've no idea why. At first, it's because I'm feeling guilty about the lapses in posting. As you can see, the post before this one is dated January of this year. 9 months ago. Taradiddles is even worse. Hence, I kind of thought I would just leave them both and start a new blog--which I have done already, btw.
But these past few weeks, I know I've yet another reason. You see, in my new blog, I have this Throwback Thursday project wherein I post stuff I've done in here and in my other blogs before. And I sort of realized how much emotions and craziness has gone around here. And I want to, well, do away with them already.
In effect, I am saying goodbye to that me who has gone through so much heartache, frustrations, and failures. I am letting go of that little girl who has had so much in her young life that she grew to be as strong as she is now. I like believing that I really have grown. And maybe I am doing this to prove myself right.
So. That's it. This page will still remain open until I find that last shred of courage to actually delete it. Which might never really happen. But I will no longer be posting anything in here.
I now have my new home. If you have the time, maybe you can come out and visit. The new address is: goditchthescene.wordpress.com.
See you around :)
9.14.2013
1.01.2013
January 1st
Happy January 1st, people!
Okay, I'm not in for a long post. Just dropping by to, well, greet you. And to tell you that I plan to make changes in this blog and in all of my other blogs sometime this month. I would've done so the past long weekend but I cannot yet due to time constraints. Yes, ako na busy. :))
Mostly, the changes will be in terms of the layout and (if I can manage it) the frequency of my posting. It makes me sad to realize I haven't been around often because it means that I'm not being very good with my writing. So yeah, I'd try my best to make substantial albeit short posts more often.
I'm also currently thinking about or considering the idea of keeping one blog only--and consequently deleting the others. As you know (if you do), I have two accounts in Blogger, one in Wordpress and another one in Tumblr. I even have a Twitter account (if it ever qualifies as a "blog"). But I'm still at the nanghihinayang stage because I've had all of them for a couple of years now and discarding the posts in them wouldn't be easy. *drama* So, I may not really be pushing through with it. Okay, I'm undecided.
And, and. I have a new non-blogging project on the way. It's still writing but on the traditional side. I plan to write down all the simple good deeds and positive vibes that I come across on a daily basis. I'm being very brave about this one, I know, because I hardly get to think about personal writing everyday. Which is why I'm doing it longhand, with a pen and a trusty notebook, so I can keep writing whenever or wherever I can.
Alright, then. So much for the "I'm not in for a long post" thing. I just practically blabbed in here.
Thank you for sticking around!
'Til my next blurb. Let's all have high hopes for 2013 :)
Okay, I'm not in for a long post. Just dropping by to, well, greet you. And to tell you that I plan to make changes in this blog and in all of my other blogs sometime this month. I would've done so the past long weekend but I cannot yet due to time constraints. Yes, ako na busy. :))
Mostly, the changes will be in terms of the layout and (if I can manage it) the frequency of my posting. It makes me sad to realize I haven't been around often because it means that I'm not being very good with my writing. So yeah, I'd try my best to make substantial albeit short posts more often.
I'm also currently thinking about or considering the idea of keeping one blog only--and consequently deleting the others. As you know (if you do), I have two accounts in Blogger, one in Wordpress and another one in Tumblr. I even have a Twitter account (if it ever qualifies as a "blog"). But I'm still at the nanghihinayang stage because I've had all of them for a couple of years now and discarding the posts in them wouldn't be easy. *drama* So, I may not really be pushing through with it. Okay, I'm undecided.
And, and. I have a new non-blogging project on the way. It's still writing but on the traditional side. I plan to write down all the simple good deeds and positive vibes that I come across on a daily basis. I'm being very brave about this one, I know, because I hardly get to think about personal writing everyday. Which is why I'm doing it longhand, with a pen and a trusty notebook, so I can keep writing whenever or wherever I can.
Alright, then. So much for the "I'm not in for a long post" thing. I just practically blabbed in here.
Thank you for sticking around!
'Til my next blurb. Let's all have high hopes for 2013 :)
Photo from: tart-pastry.tumblr.com
11.06.2012
Seven years overdue
Hey.
I've been meaning to write. You know this is the only thing I feel that I'm good at--aside from arguing, of course. But somehow, I can't seem to find the right words to tell you.
Definitely, I can't say hello. I can't even ask how you're doing. We both know I won't get an answer to that anymore. You're not here. And never going to be anymore.
There, I've said it. You're not here anymore. You're never going to be here or anywhere else anymore. But I still can't seem to tell you goodbye. And maybe that's where all of this actually came from--the fact that I can't tell you goodbye. It's been seven years and I still can't.
Well, how do you say goodbye? To that person showed and taught you a lot about life and love that has defined most of what you know now? To all the dreams you made together only to realize they're never going to come true the way you imagined them? To that one person you actually believed would be in your life forever?
Yeah, I was young and stupid enough to believe in all of that. But those are the things that make life bearable when you're young, you know. The idea that someday all of your problems would be bigger because life was also larger and better. Plus, you believed in it, too. And you seemed to be happy enough, so I went and imitated you.
Then you walked out on me. Just like that.
I hated you. I hated what happened. And it's just one more reason to not say goodbye. As long as I remembered, as long as I lived with what happened, the hate would stay. I wanted the hate to live with me for as long as I could. I wanted it to erase all the pain and even the love I had because they were harder to bear.
I hated you so much that I changed. I fought hard and rude to keep myself from doubling over with the pain. I changed my plans, turned my back against law school and everything else we dreamed of together. I kept quiet about everything. And simply stopped believing.
Or maybe I hated you so I would not hate myself more. For being the first to know about how sick you are. For knowing and not doing anything because I wanted to just believe you when you said everything's okay. For not forcing you to get the help that could've made you live longer. For being so damned scared of whatever waited in the future that I basically bailed on you.
And mostly, for not being there when you left.
So how is it fair for me to just tell you goodbye at any moment most convenient for me, right? No fair, that's what I thought. I couldn't do that to you. I owe you too much.
But maybe now, I finally could.
So let me start by saying sorry. For not being there to say it's okay for you to leave, if that's what would make things easier for you. For not being the one to hold your hand and watch your eyes flutter to a close. For not being brave enough to deliver the eulogy I spent three nights working on. I am so sorry I was not there.
Thank you for everything. For treating me like a child those times that I wanted to be childish and immature. For waiting patiently on the phone while I rant out about my Math homework and until I fall asleep. For singing my favorite songs after a bad day in school. And for making me feel like every moment with me was worth your time.
Thank you for letting me hold on to you for this long. And I'm sorry for doing so.
It is now time to let you go.
Everything that you have taught me and all that I know about loving people will be in my heart for the rest of my life. The memories will never leave my mind and I promise to start looking back at them with a smile on my face.
You will, always and forever, be with me as I go and move on to a happier life. Goodbye.
I've been meaning to write. You know this is the only thing I feel that I'm good at--aside from arguing, of course. But somehow, I can't seem to find the right words to tell you.
Definitely, I can't say hello. I can't even ask how you're doing. We both know I won't get an answer to that anymore. You're not here. And never going to be anymore.
There, I've said it. You're not here anymore. You're never going to be here or anywhere else anymore. But I still can't seem to tell you goodbye. And maybe that's where all of this actually came from--the fact that I can't tell you goodbye. It's been seven years and I still can't.
Well, how do you say goodbye? To that person showed and taught you a lot about life and love that has defined most of what you know now? To all the dreams you made together only to realize they're never going to come true the way you imagined them? To that one person you actually believed would be in your life forever?
Yeah, I was young and stupid enough to believe in all of that. But those are the things that make life bearable when you're young, you know. The idea that someday all of your problems would be bigger because life was also larger and better. Plus, you believed in it, too. And you seemed to be happy enough, so I went and imitated you.
Then you walked out on me. Just like that.
I hated you. I hated what happened. And it's just one more reason to not say goodbye. As long as I remembered, as long as I lived with what happened, the hate would stay. I wanted the hate to live with me for as long as I could. I wanted it to erase all the pain and even the love I had because they were harder to bear.
I hated you so much that I changed. I fought hard and rude to keep myself from doubling over with the pain. I changed my plans, turned my back against law school and everything else we dreamed of together. I kept quiet about everything. And simply stopped believing.
Or maybe I hated you so I would not hate myself more. For being the first to know about how sick you are. For knowing and not doing anything because I wanted to just believe you when you said everything's okay. For not forcing you to get the help that could've made you live longer. For being so damned scared of whatever waited in the future that I basically bailed on you.
And mostly, for not being there when you left.
So how is it fair for me to just tell you goodbye at any moment most convenient for me, right? No fair, that's what I thought. I couldn't do that to you. I owe you too much.
But maybe now, I finally could.
So let me start by saying sorry. For not being there to say it's okay for you to leave, if that's what would make things easier for you. For not being the one to hold your hand and watch your eyes flutter to a close. For not being brave enough to deliver the eulogy I spent three nights working on. I am so sorry I was not there.
Thank you for everything. For treating me like a child those times that I wanted to be childish and immature. For waiting patiently on the phone while I rant out about my Math homework and until I fall asleep. For singing my favorite songs after a bad day in school. And for making me feel like every moment with me was worth your time.
Thank you for letting me hold on to you for this long. And I'm sorry for doing so.
It is now time to let you go.
Everything that you have taught me and all that I know about loving people will be in my heart for the rest of my life. The memories will never leave my mind and I promise to start looking back at them with a smile on my face.
You will, always and forever, be with me as I go and move on to a happier life. Goodbye.
10.23.2012
For you
Well, you know what people say when you're having problems with someone dear to you: there is someone better out there. But of course, it is never a thought applicable to everyone. People would always, always find a way to hold on. Even if it sucks. Even if it hurts like hell.
Hey, you don't have to feel guilty over that. You deserve to hold on to that one thing that figuratively makes sense right now, even if you know that it literally is insane and insensible.
I am not the best person to tell you that you have to let go. Believe me, I've been holding on to something that already has my hands blistered to bits. And until now, I can very much choose jumping off a cliff than to let that go.
Hence, I am telling you to hold on. Not to that person who hurts you, though. But to the experience, to the pain, to whatever it is that vaguely defines tomorrow. Hold on to what hurts and let your heart heal over it. You must do that so you'd feel pain so much that it would make you learn and change for the better.
But always remember this, just because you can hold on does not mean you should let others make use of that. There are people worth the pain. And there are those who are worth every single ounce of courage that it would take you to let go. Learn how to tell one from the other. That way, you'd spare yourself from the emotional suicide.
At the end of the day, it is your choice that matters. And like I have always believed, you have to make choices that would not at some point make you go back to the day you did and wish you had not.
Hey, you don't have to feel guilty over that. You deserve to hold on to that one thing that figuratively makes sense right now, even if you know that it literally is insane and insensible.
I am not the best person to tell you that you have to let go. Believe me, I've been holding on to something that already has my hands blistered to bits. And until now, I can very much choose jumping off a cliff than to let that go.
Hence, I am telling you to hold on. Not to that person who hurts you, though. But to the experience, to the pain, to whatever it is that vaguely defines tomorrow. Hold on to what hurts and let your heart heal over it. You must do that so you'd feel pain so much that it would make you learn and change for the better.
But always remember this, just because you can hold on does not mean you should let others make use of that. There are people worth the pain. And there are those who are worth every single ounce of courage that it would take you to let go. Learn how to tell one from the other. That way, you'd spare yourself from the emotional suicide.
At the end of the day, it is your choice that matters. And like I have always believed, you have to make choices that would not at some point make you go back to the day you did and wish you had not.
10.21.2012
I don't want to fall
I Don't Want to Fall, Juris
I know that I'm no longer considered young
But with this feeling it's like teenage just began
I've gone through tough times
And I can say that I have grown
So I should be able to control what's going on
But no, this was not my intention
Oh no, just erase this connection cause I
I don't want to fall for you
I'm scared that you just might fall for me too
I don't want to feel for you
I'm scared that you just might feel for me too
Feel for me too
You try too hard to hide the spark in your eyes
And I ignore it even if it excites me deep inside
Cause I'm strong and I know it's wrong
And to each other we simply don't belong
So I should be able to control what's going on
But no, this was not my intention,
Oh no, lets just erase this connection cause I
I don't want to fall for you
I'm scared that you just might fall for me too
I don't want to feel for you
I'm scared that you just might feel for me too
I don't want to fall, fall for you
I'm scared that you just might fall for me too
And I don't want to feel for you
I'm scared that you just might feel for me too
Feel for me too
Oooh, this is dangerous
Let's not be adventurous
This could change our lives for the better
But what if for the worse?
I don't want to fall for you
10.13.2012
Healing
Once, a friend asked me if I could write about better stuffs. Happy stuffs. I just laughed and told him I could not.
I thought about the way I write after that. I did some back-reading on my blogs and realized that I had so much of those really sad thoughts.
Well. I had nothing to say about this. Or I did, maybe. Fine, I still have a lot to say about this.
It’s that I can write about the good stuffs. I used to be able to do that a lot. I have owned a blog since high school. And believe me, my younger self had so much of the happy sappy moments to write about. She used to be all smiles and laughing moments. Everyday was for chasing after her dreams, for loving and being loved. For winning and losing with a smile on her face.
She lost that, apparently. She was so strong but then she lost to a battle she knew she would not win over before it even started. Losing like that at such a young age, hey, that’s not easy.
Something did go wrong. Because she never got her old self back. She carried that loss so much it defined most of her as she grew up. She did that, grew up. But never moved on. Always, at a moment’s notice, she’d go back to the day she lost and cry all over again.
To a certain extent, she never really left that battlefield. But she promised she’d keep on fighting to get herself back. To escape from that memory. To heal completely.
She’s working so hard to keep that promise, you must know. She’s strong and brave enough. She can do that. I believe she can.
I believe I can. Please believe that I can.
I thought about the way I write after that. I did some back-reading on my blogs and realized that I had so much of those really sad thoughts.
Well. I had nothing to say about this. Or I did, maybe. Fine, I still have a lot to say about this.
It’s that I can write about the good stuffs. I used to be able to do that a lot. I have owned a blog since high school. And believe me, my younger self had so much of the happy sappy moments to write about. She used to be all smiles and laughing moments. Everyday was for chasing after her dreams, for loving and being loved. For winning and losing with a smile on her face.
She lost that, apparently. She was so strong but then she lost to a battle she knew she would not win over before it even started. Losing like that at such a young age, hey, that’s not easy.
Something did go wrong. Because she never got her old self back. She carried that loss so much it defined most of her as she grew up. She did that, grew up. But never moved on. Always, at a moment’s notice, she’d go back to the day she lost and cry all over again.
To a certain extent, she never really left that battlefield. But she promised she’d keep on fighting to get herself back. To escape from that memory. To heal completely.
She’s working so hard to keep that promise, you must know. She’s strong and brave enough. She can do that. I believe she can.
I believe I can. Please believe that I can.
9.01.2012
September 1
Well hello there, September. It's nice to see you again. Every year, you mark something--a season that everybody else anticipates, the beginning of the end of the year that it has been.
You have us all excited enough that some of us do start Christmas countdowns, make a list of Christmas presents we want to receive, and plan getaways for the festive holidays to come.
I hope you'd be nice to us, that you feel just how much we want you here and be happy with us.
Happy 1st day!
You have us all excited enough that some of us do start Christmas countdowns, make a list of Christmas presents we want to receive, and plan getaways for the festive holidays to come.
I hope you'd be nice to us, that you feel just how much we want you here and be happy with us.
Happy 1st day!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)