Finish line

In as much as I don't want this to be a negative post, I'm afraid it is. Already, since I have not so many positive things within my heart right now.

I'm tired. I feel bad. It's like being filled with so much of the negative that I don't know anymore the boundaries. Do you know how it feels as if you are surrounded by bombs? That if you step just one foot into the wrong point, you'd blow into pieces? That's exactly how I feel this very moment.

People are not particularly nice. I'm in silent-treatment-relationship with my immediate boss. And all of my clients are plainly cruel.

Every single day, I think of quitting. I think that I don't want to do this anymore. I think that I just want a more peaceful environment.

But then I look around all of my friends-slash-co-workers, I get my ATM reloaded every 10 days, and I'm given the chance to spend on anything I like. They're stupidly shallow reasons, almost to the point of being childish and astoundingly minute factors. Yet they make me want to stay.

Or maybe it's just really the fact that I don't have anywhere else to go--yet.

* BIG sigh *

I don't know what to do anymore.

God, give me more strength. Let me keep on running. Even if I don't see the finish line.

i don't think it's deja vu

maybe there really is just that kind of thing that you do and feel every time even if you have already been hurt by something like it before.

like saying yes to a job you don't really know how to do.

like making a promise and shattering it to irreparable pieces.

like falling for a person you know would never be yours.

i don't think it's deja vu. i think it has something to do with the kind of heart you have. and your natural knack of liking something that does not agree with you.

Broken

Photo from http://newyorktoparis.tumblr.com/

The other would have been

There is a PDF file in my laptop that's been there since November 2011. It's something my friend Paula and I talked about having before in line with a dream we both share.

Yeah, you've read that right. It's the online app form for UP LAE.

I do admit to having forgotten about this particular file and the deadline indicated in it. Supposedly, I have submitted it before and the exam I will soon be taking if not taken already. But I have not. And just the other day, I have come across a news item that I search for year after year since I was a senior college student: Bar Exam Passers.

Then flashback to 2010. People asked me why I didn't take the exam. Some did not blatantly said so but still had that big-eyed surprised look on them when I said I didn't.

This is my heart's other would have been. I want, still and will always do, to take that fateful exam. To know if I can get through. To finally have that forked roads that would make me choose between my now and my dream.

Yet I still do not know why I would only download the form every time it comes up and then ignore it until way past the deadline. I still have no idea why I won't push for it or why I would still evade question after question related to it.

All I know is that I want to be a lawyer but I'm scared as hell on how it would change my life forever. Besides, I'm not so sure what I want anymore now that I am being presented alternatives by none other than life itself.

(photo from http://www.flickr.com/people/perksofjenna/)