With Finality

She was walking toward his house, unsure if she ever decided on the right thing. Music was already blaring from the living room and people loitered by the low gate, some held cigarettes while the others inhaled second-hand smoke. They turned to her when she was near enough. They smiled and said hi. Some even went to kiss her on the cheek.

One of them shouted at him indicating her arrival. She couldn't be more prepared, her resolve still leaning toward simply turning and heading back home. But then he went out and greeted her in a manner more relieved than ecstatic that she came. And she knew he doubted her attendance. And she wondered why that would make him uneasy. The gathering, after all, was not for her.

Inside, everything was as familiar as her own kitchen. She knew everyone, from his kin to his friends. Soon, she was kissing people's cheeks, smiling, and being ushered to the dining table.

"You're here!" his sister exclaimed, offering desserts before the main course. But she knew there was not a chronology in that house when it comes to eating so she accepted, silently grateful for the sugar content of the cake that helped surged blood to her body.

The next things were a blur for her. People came and went, some talked to her, others became occupied with the karaoke.

Then out of nowhere, someone coaxed him into singing. He refused. They persuaded more. Until finally he gave in, walked to where the remote was, and punched in some numbers.

Before she knew it, he was singing her song. Their song.

He was singing that one song she had long since stopped listening to. That which had always pulled her from a deep abysmal despair. That which she clung to when everything seemed to break. That which she knew would always be hers, no matter what.

She looked at him, found him looking back at her, and could do little to hold back tears. Two years. It had been two years since he last sang their song. Then he smiled her smile. Her smile, because it was only at her that he smiled that way. She wanted to cry.

Because somehow, she felt the goodbye in his song. It was in his voice. It was in his eyes. It was even in his smile. It was everywhere that she couldn't possibly ignore it. And she knew, right then, that would be the last time he would sing for her. She closed her eyes, locking his voice and his smile into her heart.

After the song, she knew she had lesser time to stay up and strong. So she went on the charade of going around and telling people she was leaving, giving her rehearsed excuse of being under curfew. He volunteered to walk her at least until she could flag down a transport.

They reached the village's entrance but no vehicle was still in sight. She insisted that he leave her there. He heeded. But before he left, he took her into his arms.

In the kind of embrace that he had always encased her in. The kind that said she was safe. The kind that made her feel as if nothing was ever wrong. The kind that showed he loved--and will always love--her.

She returned the hug, putting everything she couldn't say in it. She knew he understood when he patted her head softly.

"Take good care, will you? For me?" he asked when they broke apart.

"Always." was all she could say.

Just then, a vehicle arrived and she must leave. He kissed her on the forehead, that which he used to tease her with because he meant it as reference to their differences in height. But that time, he meant it as reference to what he would always be--her best friend. She looked back at him as she boarded. He was smiling her smile.

Prowl Around

Please do. Well, not here. But in my other blog, Angled Vista.

I don't normally ask for comments/opinions about my posts because, er, I'm not comfortable. But for the following posts, I'd really appreciate your thoughts. So do check 'em out and feel free to speak out:

Girl on Fire

Third-degree Burns from Catching Fire

An Open (and Incredibly Long) Letter to Suzanne Collins

The Seventh Reel

Thanks! :>

In Reply

Due to either my increasingly wonky Net connection or my ever-slow laptop or just Google's problems with their sites, I can't get into my posts' comments box. I know it's not much, given that I only have two unreplied comments. But it's becoming so much of a bummer because it happens every time.

Hence, this. In reply to the two comments:
@camillebinuya: Yeah, it's almost Christmas. And I'm almost happy. Thank you. :)

@iamunderthebridge: To you too, Nasha. >:D< Virtual hug.

It's Nearing Christmas!

And it feels good to wake up to a cool Christmas air. Which I've had this morning. And which is in stark contrast from the almost-gray one yesterday that it has actually hit me. This is the air only Christmas can bring. This is how Christmas feels.

Needless to say, I'm quite happy. For one, November is about to end (we're down to its last six days). Another, when December starts, our family is looking forward to two birthdays (my mother's and brother's), roughly two weeks of school vacation (which, considering everyone either studies or works with schools, is very beneficial), and of course, two worldwide feasts (Christmas and New Year).

I would probably love the month more if I have income-generating activities, hence, money to spend. But nevertheless, my mother is more generous in the last -ber month that my wishes, or at least many of them, may be granted. Then of course, there's Christmas shopping for both foods and clothes. And for gifts to those who expect (because usually, we only buy for those we think would appreciate ripping off wrappers).

But what I really feel so light about all these is the fact that more people are inclined to smile and sing along with Christmas carols. I love the sounds of Christmas songs especially when my father sings along with them. Two more weeks and Christmas lights would be put up in different houses. All of these happy acts lead to happy smiles. And eventually, walking out on the streets is more bearable when people smile at you for no reason. Add to that a backdrop of many blinking lights, it's perfect.

I also look forward to our own Christmas tree. We put it up at home, along with other decors, as soon as Christmas vacation starts. We have this set of Christmas lights shaped as apples that have been in the family for around ten years now. And then we have a wreath, which my mother hangs on the front door. Of course we have a belen, or the scene of the Nativity. Ours is a simple collection, with a small hut housing dolls of the family--Joseph, Mary, and Jesus--with the angel and the sheep.

We also have statues of Saint Nicholas--a.k.a. Santa Claus. But my favorite is a snow globe that plays Christmas tunes while the snow flakes swirl around the figurine Santa flanked with a bag of gifts. I get to watch that at night, in those moments when the TV is off and the only light in the living room comes from the red glow of the apple-shaped Christmas lights. It's a very peaceful moment.

[Okay, I'll be posting pictures of them as soon as they're up, I promise.]

Whee. Just thinking about all of it, how our house will transform into a festive place, how our family will be together for every day even in a short span of two weeks, makes me smile.

Well, the wait is down to 31 days from now. It's nearing Christmas, people. Sniff around, let the air fill your lungs and heart. Oh, and if you ever happen to be out at night, do walk to your destination (if it's short a distance).

And relish in the lightness of the moment.

When November Ends: Succinct yet accurate recount of why I don't like this month

This is the month when my mind is most confused. Too fraught with emotions. Too plagued with conflicting thoughts. And I realize this is because of the many incidents that have happened in my past Novembers.

Incidents I'd rather forget or sleep through or simply turn my back from.

Like the 5th death anniversary. I didn't go. I didn't visit. In fact, I lied about my whereabouts when my other friends asked me if I was coming. They were at his house, with his parents, and they wanted me. I said I couldn't. That I was a province away when in fact, I was just a few villages from them.

I couldn't--ever--justify that. Except say that the last time I saw his grave was 5 years ago--when he was buried. And visiting was never something achievable. It's been 5 years and yet that one glitch in my careful mask of bravery still functions to the point of destruction.

I'm sorry.

And then there's my best friend's birthday. Which, this year, would be doubly hurting. Because this year's birthday is, well, the last that we would ever know to be in the way we used to.

I'm sorry. For what? For everything that has hurt and will still hurt. For breaking again and again even after those times I've declared my reconstruction completed.

Underneath all this is a current November ache. The exams. Which my parents didn't want me to take. Which contains what ifs that pain me to think about. Which I would have to say goodbye to, possibly permanently.

Three equally dismal thoughts that tear me to pieces. Pieces that I would have to pick up again, like I've done every November. Pieces that I would have to put together, only to have them break again.

And I fear the day when they will be broken beyond repair.

But until then, if it ever happens, I'll just sleep the whole thing off. And hope that next year will be a better one.

So just wake me up when November ends, will you?

It's Christmas next, after all.

Walang Gagalaw

Kanina lang ay napag-usapan namin (thru text) ng kaibigan ko ang pagiging home-buddy naming dalawa. At hindi yan dahil tina-try naming i-justify ang kawalan namin ng ginagawa ngayon (read: walang trabaho). Naisip lang kasi naming nakaka-bore na.

Actually, ako naman, basta may binabasa o pinapanood masaya na 'ko. At dahil sa mahusay na nag-imbento ng e-books, buhay na buhay at masaya naman ako. Ganon na din sa husay ng movie downloading ngayon.

Pero syempre, hindi naman pagbabasa at panonood ang end-all at be-all ng buhay ko. Hindi dapat. Naisip ko rin, na ang nararamdaman ko naman talaga ay indefinite. Na parang wala lang. Hollow, mababaw, stagnant. Tumatakbo nang walang pupuntahan.

Sabi ko nga sa kanya, parang umiikot na ang buong mundo pero ako (kami) nasa bahay pa rin.

Nakakabaliw, pero totoo. Umaabot pa nga sa puntong nakahiga lang ako at nakatitig sa pader. Nag-iisip ng mga tanong. Idealistic lang ba talaga ko? Tama ba ang mga magulang ko na baka akala ni Lord e kuntento na ko sa buhay ko ngayon kaya ayaw niya na ko munang makahanap ng trabaho?

Kasi kung ganon, I pray to you dear Lord, na 'wag nang patagalin 'to. Kasi pag natapos ko na yung mga binabasa ko (as if namang 'di ako magda-download ng bagong babasahin) baka hindi na ko ma-kuntento sa takbo ng araw-araw ko.

Or come to think of it, hindi naman talaga 'ko kuntento. Kahit naman home-buddy ako, may mga gusto naman akong gawin. May gusto akong marating (hello, Paris). At may gusto akong maging (parang bata lang).

E ewan ko.

Naniniwala naman akong dadating din yun, kung ano man yun. At na malalaman ko naman kung yun na yun. At na hindi naman forever ang kinalalagyan ko ngayon.

So yun na. Hintayin na lang natin. I mean, hintayin ko na lang.

(Syempre tinagalog ko na talaga 'to. Para mababaw lang.)