Please, please, believe me when I say this will be the last . . .

Let me begin by saying I have not the slightest idea why I'm even bothering to write about this. Somehow, I guess people expect me to. Heck, I even have the inkling they are just waiting for me to come up with all the necessary words.

But the truth is, I'm sort of unsure about my own feelings.

I know I'm hurt and yet I don't feel that hurt. Sometimes it's even like I feel I'm hurt because I know I'm supposed to be. There is still that nagging feeling, the regret, the would-have-been. But maybe due to this feeling being so much of a permanent resident in my heart, the pain is quite lessened.

In some ways, I wonder if I am already numb.

Sure, I feel pangs of it--sharply. Like the time I watched Breaking Dawn and saw Jacob and Bella's dance at her wedding. Or the time I got a call from him jokingly asking me if I haven't changed my mind yet. Or those little moments when my friends are asking me about it (especially that one time a close friend of mine even asked about how to find him on FB, gosh I didn't think I need that).

But after quite some time, hours even, I realize I hardly care at all.

And then just recently, I have come to the point of accepting a simple fact. That I'll never get over the idea of that one who got away but that I'm now able to move on. With a slowly but surely repairing heart and lots of new learning that would allow me to go through several more heartbreaks in a stronger way.

So now maybe it's time to finally say goodbye. No, I won't goodbye to that person. I'd simply say goodbye to how I feel--or have felt--about him. As I say over and over again, he is and will always be my best friend. He'll always, always have a special part in my heart and life.

But it is now time for him to be part of someone else's life and that much I know and accept. And so I'm letting go of everything: stupid conversations, cuddles, jokes, late night phone calls without talking, loud singing together, and ice cream fights. I am letting go of everything we have been before, to make way for what we separately are today.

I'm not saying it would be easy now, when I know it's never been all these years I've said goodbye again and again but still unable to stick to it.

All I'm saying is that I'm a whole lot stronger now and that I'm very much hopeful it would be enough to let myself out of this mess.

Hence, I'll end with a simple message for him:

Thank you for everything. Thank you for being my everything. You have shown me both pain and happiness and I'll forever be grateful for that. You will forever be in my heart, you will forever be loved by me. You still are and always will be the older brother I've never had and my best friend. I love you. Always have, always will.

Photos from: Uncomfortable Soul