This is the 3rd version of the first sentence for this particular post. I am trying to find a nice way to start or to even continue with what I am going to say. So I guess I'll go for what I do best: no-nonsense, straight talk.
With that said, let me begin by telling you that I am already letting go of this blog.
Maybe you can imagine how this is really difficult for me, even if we put aside the drama. I've had Rucksack Stories and Taraddidles (the "sister blog") for more than a couple of years already. If I'm recalling it right, I've had them both since 2010. And so it is with a heavy heart that I am about to move out of them.
So why am I doing this? Honestly, I've no idea why. At first, it's because I'm feeling guilty about the lapses in posting. As you can see, the post before this one is dated January of this year. 9 months ago. Taradiddles is even worse. Hence, I kind of thought I would just leave them both and start a new blog--which I have done already, btw.
But these past few weeks, I know I've yet another reason. You see, in my new blog, I have this Throwback Thursday project wherein I post stuff I've done in here and in my other blogs before. And I sort of realized how much emotions and craziness has gone around here. And I want to, well, do away with them already.
In effect, I am saying goodbye to that me who has gone through so much heartache, frustrations, and failures. I am letting go of that little girl who has had so much in her young life that she grew to be as strong as she is now. I like believing that I really have grown. And maybe I am doing this to prove myself right.
So. That's it. This page will still remain open until I find that last shred of courage to actually delete it. Which might never really happen. But I will no longer be posting anything in here.
I now have my new home. If you have the time, maybe you can come out and visit. The new address is: goditchthescene.wordpress.com.
See you around :)
9.14.2013
1.01.2013
January 1st
Happy January 1st, people!
Okay, I'm not in for a long post. Just dropping by to, well, greet you. And to tell you that I plan to make changes in this blog and in all of my other blogs sometime this month. I would've done so the past long weekend but I cannot yet due to time constraints. Yes, ako na busy. :))
Mostly, the changes will be in terms of the layout and (if I can manage it) the frequency of my posting. It makes me sad to realize I haven't been around often because it means that I'm not being very good with my writing. So yeah, I'd try my best to make substantial albeit short posts more often.
I'm also currently thinking about or considering the idea of keeping one blog only--and consequently deleting the others. As you know (if you do), I have two accounts in Blogger, one in Wordpress and another one in Tumblr. I even have a Twitter account (if it ever qualifies as a "blog"). But I'm still at the nanghihinayang stage because I've had all of them for a couple of years now and discarding the posts in them wouldn't be easy. *drama* So, I may not really be pushing through with it. Okay, I'm undecided.
And, and. I have a new non-blogging project on the way. It's still writing but on the traditional side. I plan to write down all the simple good deeds and positive vibes that I come across on a daily basis. I'm being very brave about this one, I know, because I hardly get to think about personal writing everyday. Which is why I'm doing it longhand, with a pen and a trusty notebook, so I can keep writing whenever or wherever I can.
Alright, then. So much for the "I'm not in for a long post" thing. I just practically blabbed in here.
Thank you for sticking around!
'Til my next blurb. Let's all have high hopes for 2013 :)
Okay, I'm not in for a long post. Just dropping by to, well, greet you. And to tell you that I plan to make changes in this blog and in all of my other blogs sometime this month. I would've done so the past long weekend but I cannot yet due to time constraints. Yes, ako na busy. :))
Mostly, the changes will be in terms of the layout and (if I can manage it) the frequency of my posting. It makes me sad to realize I haven't been around often because it means that I'm not being very good with my writing. So yeah, I'd try my best to make substantial albeit short posts more often.
I'm also currently thinking about or considering the idea of keeping one blog only--and consequently deleting the others. As you know (if you do), I have two accounts in Blogger, one in Wordpress and another one in Tumblr. I even have a Twitter account (if it ever qualifies as a "blog"). But I'm still at the nanghihinayang stage because I've had all of them for a couple of years now and discarding the posts in them wouldn't be easy. *drama* So, I may not really be pushing through with it. Okay, I'm undecided.
And, and. I have a new non-blogging project on the way. It's still writing but on the traditional side. I plan to write down all the simple good deeds and positive vibes that I come across on a daily basis. I'm being very brave about this one, I know, because I hardly get to think about personal writing everyday. Which is why I'm doing it longhand, with a pen and a trusty notebook, so I can keep writing whenever or wherever I can.
Alright, then. So much for the "I'm not in for a long post" thing. I just practically blabbed in here.
Thank you for sticking around!
'Til my next blurb. Let's all have high hopes for 2013 :)
Photo from: tart-pastry.tumblr.com
11.06.2012
Seven years overdue
Hey.
I've been meaning to write. You know this is the only thing I feel that I'm good at--aside from arguing, of course. But somehow, I can't seem to find the right words to tell you.
Definitely, I can't say hello. I can't even ask how you're doing. We both know I won't get an answer to that anymore. You're not here. And never going to be anymore.
There, I've said it. You're not here anymore. You're never going to be here or anywhere else anymore. But I still can't seem to tell you goodbye. And maybe that's where all of this actually came from--the fact that I can't tell you goodbye. It's been seven years and I still can't.
Well, how do you say goodbye? To that person showed and taught you a lot about life and love that has defined most of what you know now? To all the dreams you made together only to realize they're never going to come true the way you imagined them? To that one person you actually believed would be in your life forever?
Yeah, I was young and stupid enough to believe in all of that. But those are the things that make life bearable when you're young, you know. The idea that someday all of your problems would be bigger because life was also larger and better. Plus, you believed in it, too. And you seemed to be happy enough, so I went and imitated you.
Then you walked out on me. Just like that.
I hated you. I hated what happened. And it's just one more reason to not say goodbye. As long as I remembered, as long as I lived with what happened, the hate would stay. I wanted the hate to live with me for as long as I could. I wanted it to erase all the pain and even the love I had because they were harder to bear.
I hated you so much that I changed. I fought hard and rude to keep myself from doubling over with the pain. I changed my plans, turned my back against law school and everything else we dreamed of together. I kept quiet about everything. And simply stopped believing.
Or maybe I hated you so I would not hate myself more. For being the first to know about how sick you are. For knowing and not doing anything because I wanted to just believe you when you said everything's okay. For not forcing you to get the help that could've made you live longer. For being so damned scared of whatever waited in the future that I basically bailed on you.
And mostly, for not being there when you left.
So how is it fair for me to just tell you goodbye at any moment most convenient for me, right? No fair, that's what I thought. I couldn't do that to you. I owe you too much.
But maybe now, I finally could.
So let me start by saying sorry. For not being there to say it's okay for you to leave, if that's what would make things easier for you. For not being the one to hold your hand and watch your eyes flutter to a close. For not being brave enough to deliver the eulogy I spent three nights working on. I am so sorry I was not there.
Thank you for everything. For treating me like a child those times that I wanted to be childish and immature. For waiting patiently on the phone while I rant out about my Math homework and until I fall asleep. For singing my favorite songs after a bad day in school. And for making me feel like every moment with me was worth your time.
Thank you for letting me hold on to you for this long. And I'm sorry for doing so.
It is now time to let you go.
Everything that you have taught me and all that I know about loving people will be in my heart for the rest of my life. The memories will never leave my mind and I promise to start looking back at them with a smile on my face.
You will, always and forever, be with me as I go and move on to a happier life. Goodbye.
I've been meaning to write. You know this is the only thing I feel that I'm good at--aside from arguing, of course. But somehow, I can't seem to find the right words to tell you.
Definitely, I can't say hello. I can't even ask how you're doing. We both know I won't get an answer to that anymore. You're not here. And never going to be anymore.
There, I've said it. You're not here anymore. You're never going to be here or anywhere else anymore. But I still can't seem to tell you goodbye. And maybe that's where all of this actually came from--the fact that I can't tell you goodbye. It's been seven years and I still can't.
Well, how do you say goodbye? To that person showed and taught you a lot about life and love that has defined most of what you know now? To all the dreams you made together only to realize they're never going to come true the way you imagined them? To that one person you actually believed would be in your life forever?
Yeah, I was young and stupid enough to believe in all of that. But those are the things that make life bearable when you're young, you know. The idea that someday all of your problems would be bigger because life was also larger and better. Plus, you believed in it, too. And you seemed to be happy enough, so I went and imitated you.
Then you walked out on me. Just like that.
I hated you. I hated what happened. And it's just one more reason to not say goodbye. As long as I remembered, as long as I lived with what happened, the hate would stay. I wanted the hate to live with me for as long as I could. I wanted it to erase all the pain and even the love I had because they were harder to bear.
I hated you so much that I changed. I fought hard and rude to keep myself from doubling over with the pain. I changed my plans, turned my back against law school and everything else we dreamed of together. I kept quiet about everything. And simply stopped believing.
Or maybe I hated you so I would not hate myself more. For being the first to know about how sick you are. For knowing and not doing anything because I wanted to just believe you when you said everything's okay. For not forcing you to get the help that could've made you live longer. For being so damned scared of whatever waited in the future that I basically bailed on you.
And mostly, for not being there when you left.
So how is it fair for me to just tell you goodbye at any moment most convenient for me, right? No fair, that's what I thought. I couldn't do that to you. I owe you too much.
But maybe now, I finally could.
So let me start by saying sorry. For not being there to say it's okay for you to leave, if that's what would make things easier for you. For not being the one to hold your hand and watch your eyes flutter to a close. For not being brave enough to deliver the eulogy I spent three nights working on. I am so sorry I was not there.
Thank you for everything. For treating me like a child those times that I wanted to be childish and immature. For waiting patiently on the phone while I rant out about my Math homework and until I fall asleep. For singing my favorite songs after a bad day in school. And for making me feel like every moment with me was worth your time.
Thank you for letting me hold on to you for this long. And I'm sorry for doing so.
It is now time to let you go.
Everything that you have taught me and all that I know about loving people will be in my heart for the rest of my life. The memories will never leave my mind and I promise to start looking back at them with a smile on my face.
You will, always and forever, be with me as I go and move on to a happier life. Goodbye.
10.23.2012
For you
Well, you know what people say when you're having problems with someone dear to you: there is someone better out there. But of course, it is never a thought applicable to everyone. People would always, always find a way to hold on. Even if it sucks. Even if it hurts like hell.
Hey, you don't have to feel guilty over that. You deserve to hold on to that one thing that figuratively makes sense right now, even if you know that it literally is insane and insensible.
I am not the best person to tell you that you have to let go. Believe me, I've been holding on to something that already has my hands blistered to bits. And until now, I can very much choose jumping off a cliff than to let that go.
Hence, I am telling you to hold on. Not to that person who hurts you, though. But to the experience, to the pain, to whatever it is that vaguely defines tomorrow. Hold on to what hurts and let your heart heal over it. You must do that so you'd feel pain so much that it would make you learn and change for the better.
But always remember this, just because you can hold on does not mean you should let others make use of that. There are people worth the pain. And there are those who are worth every single ounce of courage that it would take you to let go. Learn how to tell one from the other. That way, you'd spare yourself from the emotional suicide.
At the end of the day, it is your choice that matters. And like I have always believed, you have to make choices that would not at some point make you go back to the day you did and wish you had not.
Hey, you don't have to feel guilty over that. You deserve to hold on to that one thing that figuratively makes sense right now, even if you know that it literally is insane and insensible.
I am not the best person to tell you that you have to let go. Believe me, I've been holding on to something that already has my hands blistered to bits. And until now, I can very much choose jumping off a cliff than to let that go.
Hence, I am telling you to hold on. Not to that person who hurts you, though. But to the experience, to the pain, to whatever it is that vaguely defines tomorrow. Hold on to what hurts and let your heart heal over it. You must do that so you'd feel pain so much that it would make you learn and change for the better.
But always remember this, just because you can hold on does not mean you should let others make use of that. There are people worth the pain. And there are those who are worth every single ounce of courage that it would take you to let go. Learn how to tell one from the other. That way, you'd spare yourself from the emotional suicide.
At the end of the day, it is your choice that matters. And like I have always believed, you have to make choices that would not at some point make you go back to the day you did and wish you had not.
10.21.2012
I don't want to fall
I Don't Want to Fall, Juris
I know that I'm no longer considered young
But with this feeling it's like teenage just began
I've gone through tough times
And I can say that I have grown
So I should be able to control what's going on
But no, this was not my intention
Oh no, just erase this connection cause I
I don't want to fall for you
I'm scared that you just might fall for me too
I don't want to feel for you
I'm scared that you just might feel for me too
Feel for me too
You try too hard to hide the spark in your eyes
And I ignore it even if it excites me deep inside
Cause I'm strong and I know it's wrong
And to each other we simply don't belong
So I should be able to control what's going on
But no, this was not my intention,
Oh no, lets just erase this connection cause I
I don't want to fall for you
I'm scared that you just might fall for me too
I don't want to feel for you
I'm scared that you just might feel for me too
I don't want to fall, fall for you
I'm scared that you just might fall for me too
And I don't want to feel for you
I'm scared that you just might feel for me too
Feel for me too
Oooh, this is dangerous
Let's not be adventurous
This could change our lives for the better
But what if for the worse?
I don't want to fall for you
10.13.2012
Healing
Once, a friend asked me if I could write about better stuffs. Happy stuffs. I just laughed and told him I could not.
I thought about the way I write after that. I did some back-reading on my blogs and realized that I had so much of those really sad thoughts.
Well. I had nothing to say about this. Or I did, maybe. Fine, I still have a lot to say about this.
It’s that I can write about the good stuffs. I used to be able to do that a lot. I have owned a blog since high school. And believe me, my younger self had so much of the happy sappy moments to write about. She used to be all smiles and laughing moments. Everyday was for chasing after her dreams, for loving and being loved. For winning and losing with a smile on her face.
She lost that, apparently. She was so strong but then she lost to a battle she knew she would not win over before it even started. Losing like that at such a young age, hey, that’s not easy.
Something did go wrong. Because she never got her old self back. She carried that loss so much it defined most of her as she grew up. She did that, grew up. But never moved on. Always, at a moment’s notice, she’d go back to the day she lost and cry all over again.
To a certain extent, she never really left that battlefield. But she promised she’d keep on fighting to get herself back. To escape from that memory. To heal completely.
She’s working so hard to keep that promise, you must know. She’s strong and brave enough. She can do that. I believe she can.
I believe I can. Please believe that I can.
I thought about the way I write after that. I did some back-reading on my blogs and realized that I had so much of those really sad thoughts.
Well. I had nothing to say about this. Or I did, maybe. Fine, I still have a lot to say about this.
It’s that I can write about the good stuffs. I used to be able to do that a lot. I have owned a blog since high school. And believe me, my younger self had so much of the happy sappy moments to write about. She used to be all smiles and laughing moments. Everyday was for chasing after her dreams, for loving and being loved. For winning and losing with a smile on her face.
She lost that, apparently. She was so strong but then she lost to a battle she knew she would not win over before it even started. Losing like that at such a young age, hey, that’s not easy.
Something did go wrong. Because she never got her old self back. She carried that loss so much it defined most of her as she grew up. She did that, grew up. But never moved on. Always, at a moment’s notice, she’d go back to the day she lost and cry all over again.
To a certain extent, she never really left that battlefield. But she promised she’d keep on fighting to get herself back. To escape from that memory. To heal completely.
She’s working so hard to keep that promise, you must know. She’s strong and brave enough. She can do that. I believe she can.
I believe I can. Please believe that I can.
9.01.2012
September 1
Well hello there, September. It's nice to see you again. Every year, you mark something--a season that everybody else anticipates, the beginning of the end of the year that it has been.
You have us all excited enough that some of us do start Christmas countdowns, make a list of Christmas presents we want to receive, and plan getaways for the festive holidays to come.
I hope you'd be nice to us, that you feel just how much we want you here and be happy with us.
Happy 1st day!
You have us all excited enough that some of us do start Christmas countdowns, make a list of Christmas presents we want to receive, and plan getaways for the festive holidays to come.
I hope you'd be nice to us, that you feel just how much we want you here and be happy with us.
Happy 1st day!
8.19.2012
Tell me why
I Won't Give Up, Jason Mraz
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
There's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?
I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find
'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up
I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use the tools and gifts we got
Yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end you're still my friend, at least we did intend for us to work
We didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not
And who I am.
I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
Still looking up...
I won't give up on us
God knows I'm tough, He knows
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up...
8.12.2012
Letter to Myself
Written on the night of 8/10/2012
Hi,
Today you turn 23. Yeah, everybody's sort of surprised that you're still in that early-20s bracket. You're so strong, as they keep on saying.
You have enjoyed your day, no doubt. Enjoyed saying thank you to everyone you have known from before who took the time and remembered to greet you and to those who had the guts to blatantly ask if today is indeed your day (better safe than sorry, I guess). Enjoyed the design in your work area, scarce but pretty much difficult to put up considering half your workmates are unable to come to the office the day before. And of course, enjoyed your gifts.
Aside from all of these, though, you seem to have gained happiness from the fact that everything seemed to have taken a full turn and became so much better.
Work has become bearable. You have found new friends in your co-workers and with all the laughter that you share together, the work load becomes considerably lighter. Remunerations have also become more generous. 'Nuff said on that.
But maybe what has really made your day today are the two of them. You are happy because you have something that can turn into a beautiful story if all the right signs point to it. And you have just gotten back what you have lost. Well, most of it anyway.
Admit it or not, you are happy over the time, however short, that you get to talk to him again. Over having told him about the new person in your life. You seem to have done it not to show off your new moving on skills and not even to try and make him think you have found a life that is so much better without him. You have done it, as I understand, because it is what you do together. You tell each other about the progress your lives are making. You tell him almost everything, seeking his understanding and relishing in the jokes he makes about your stories. In some ways, he's back.
All in all, today is a good day. And you hope that the days that would follow would be as good.
Well, I think you can be quite sure of that now. Because a year older can make you a bit more wiser than to actually wish for a good day while doing nothing to make it so.
Today, you turn 23. Today, you are happy. And today, you prepare for the life ahead with a lot of good vibes.
Always,
Ryo
Hi,
Today you turn 23. Yeah, everybody's sort of surprised that you're still in that early-20s bracket. You're so strong, as they keep on saying.
You have enjoyed your day, no doubt. Enjoyed saying thank you to everyone you have known from before who took the time and remembered to greet you and to those who had the guts to blatantly ask if today is indeed your day (better safe than sorry, I guess). Enjoyed the design in your work area, scarce but pretty much difficult to put up considering half your workmates are unable to come to the office the day before. And of course, enjoyed your gifts.
Aside from all of these, though, you seem to have gained happiness from the fact that everything seemed to have taken a full turn and became so much better.
Work has become bearable. You have found new friends in your co-workers and with all the laughter that you share together, the work load becomes considerably lighter. Remunerations have also become more generous. 'Nuff said on that.
But maybe what has really made your day today are the two of them. You are happy because you have something that can turn into a beautiful story if all the right signs point to it. And you have just gotten back what you have lost. Well, most of it anyway.
Admit it or not, you are happy over the time, however short, that you get to talk to him again. Over having told him about the new person in your life. You seem to have done it not to show off your new moving on skills and not even to try and make him think you have found a life that is so much better without him. You have done it, as I understand, because it is what you do together. You tell each other about the progress your lives are making. You tell him almost everything, seeking his understanding and relishing in the jokes he makes about your stories. In some ways, he's back.
All in all, today is a good day. And you hope that the days that would follow would be as good.
Well, I think you can be quite sure of that now. Because a year older can make you a bit more wiser than to actually wish for a good day while doing nothing to make it so.
Today, you turn 23. Today, you are happy. And today, you prepare for the life ahead with a lot of good vibes.
Always,
Ryo
8.08.2012
#BangonPilipinas
The Philippines, particularly Metro Manila and several of its provinces in Luzon, is currently experiencing yet another calamity of a magnitude that shatters lives and brings about losses of almost everything. A calamity that has no name and that cannot be defined as clearly as all the others that came before it.
Many are stranded on the roads or trapped inside their houses. Some are in evacuation centers, huddled with others with the same fate as theirs and unsure of what tomorrow would bring them. Others are lost, literally and figuratively.
We do not seek pity. We do not even seek the most basic of our physical needs as much as we should. We seek for a tomorrow that will not be as difficult as today. We hope not only for the sun to shine again but for also for life to smile back at us once more.
Let’s all pray for the rains to stop, for the floods to recede. Let’s pray for everyone who we have lost. And most of all, let’s pray for all the lives we are to rebuild after the calamity.
Many are stranded on the roads or trapped inside their houses. Some are in evacuation centers, huddled with others with the same fate as theirs and unsure of what tomorrow would bring them. Others are lost, literally and figuratively.
We do not seek pity. We do not even seek the most basic of our physical needs as much as we should. We seek for a tomorrow that will not be as difficult as today. We hope not only for the sun to shine again but for also for life to smile back at us once more.
Let’s all pray for the rains to stop, for the floods to recede. Let’s pray for everyone who we have lost. And most of all, let’s pray for all the lives we are to rebuild after the calamity.
7.23.2012
Not again
Well. I suppose I never learn, do I?
It is crazy. Finding myself in almost the same situation I have fought so hard to leave more than 3 years ago. And to be writing about it again. Now, when nothing has really happened. Yet.
How many times would I have to be in this kind of story before I start seeing the scenes that foreshadow one another?
I would like to think that this is different. That it would turn out to be different. It has to be, because I would not know how to get out of this one anymore. Crud, I do not even know how much of my once broken heart has been healed. Hence, risking it out like that again would be suicidal.
Oh well. I may be doing a bit of over-thinking. Nothing has happened. And fine, maybe it is because I have not yet allowed anything yet, not even a word to be said about this. I still enjoy the kind of company we make for each other. But right now, it's just that. Nothing more.
I just have to get this out or it would ruin everything.
It is crazy. Finding myself in almost the same situation I have fought so hard to leave more than 3 years ago. And to be writing about it again. Now, when nothing has really happened. Yet.
How many times would I have to be in this kind of story before I start seeing the scenes that foreshadow one another?
I would like to think that this is different. That it would turn out to be different. It has to be, because I would not know how to get out of this one anymore. Crud, I do not even know how much of my once broken heart has been healed. Hence, risking it out like that again would be suicidal.
Oh well. I may be doing a bit of over-thinking. Nothing has happened. And fine, maybe it is because I have not yet allowed anything yet, not even a word to be said about this. I still enjoy the kind of company we make for each other. But right now, it's just that. Nothing more.
I just have to get this out or it would ruin everything.
7.10.2012
Halt
I'm dead tired.
They say I cannot go on like this or my body might walk out on me, never to return again.
I don't want that to happen. But I have to keep on going despite of the exhaustion.
Some days, I wish things would be just as easy as saying I don't want to anymore and then they'd all stop.
They say I cannot go on like this or my body might walk out on me, never to return again.
I don't want that to happen. But I have to keep on going despite of the exhaustion.
Some days, I wish things would be just as easy as saying I don't want to anymore and then they'd all stop.
6.22.2012
Back to books
I miss reading. So much.
I have grown up knowing and being told that the only thing I'm (probably) good at is writing. And that, I have always connected to the fact that I have learned a lot from the authors who created my favorite novels.
This is also the reason that I try to read as often as possible. Books are almost a permanent item in my list of things-to-buy on paydays and also in my wish lists of things I want to receive on my birthday and on Christmas. I consider books as great friends because it is through them that I am given the chance to meet different people, get in touch with my emotions and go to places I know I'd never be.
Books also have given me people and names and lessons to cherish for the rest of my life. I'm glad that I am one of the minority that has known of Harry Potter and Katniss Everdeen before everybody else has seen them in motion pictures.
Lately though, I seem to have lost my reading gusto. I hate to say it but these past few days, I have more than once tried and failed to continue with a novel that I have started already. My books stacked neatly in my closet, unopened and unread since they are purchased, are growing in number. It alarms me how I could only look at them without opening them.
Mostly, I have fatigue to blame for it. I know I may only be making a sore excuse out of it. But it's kind of true. I go home everyday feeling tired and beaten. My mind is screaming for the time to do things that I would not need to think about or simply to rest. Needless to say, my mind takes over my entire body and vehemently rejects reading at night.
Oh well. I'm trying my best to overcome this. Someday, and at the soonest possible time, I would fight hard to regain my reading enthusiasm.
I will open my books again, smell their unique scent and find myself transported to another world.
I have grown up knowing and being told that the only thing I'm (probably) good at is writing. And that, I have always connected to the fact that I have learned a lot from the authors who created my favorite novels.
This is also the reason that I try to read as often as possible. Books are almost a permanent item in my list of things-to-buy on paydays and also in my wish lists of things I want to receive on my birthday and on Christmas. I consider books as great friends because it is through them that I am given the chance to meet different people, get in touch with my emotions and go to places I know I'd never be.
Books also have given me people and names and lessons to cherish for the rest of my life. I'm glad that I am one of the minority that has known of Harry Potter and Katniss Everdeen before everybody else has seen them in motion pictures.
Lately though, I seem to have lost my reading gusto. I hate to say it but these past few days, I have more than once tried and failed to continue with a novel that I have started already. My books stacked neatly in my closet, unopened and unread since they are purchased, are growing in number. It alarms me how I could only look at them without opening them.
Mostly, I have fatigue to blame for it. I know I may only be making a sore excuse out of it. But it's kind of true. I go home everyday feeling tired and beaten. My mind is screaming for the time to do things that I would not need to think about or simply to rest. Needless to say, my mind takes over my entire body and vehemently rejects reading at night.
Oh well. I'm trying my best to overcome this. Someday, and at the soonest possible time, I would fight hard to regain my reading enthusiasm.
I will open my books again, smell their unique scent and find myself transported to another world.
6.02.2012
Could not believe we already have 3 years behind us
May 27 was a pre-celebration of my nephew Kheeno's 3rd birthday and a last summer outing with the family. We went somewhere near, of course, because it was a Sunday and we could not really stay overnight. Cherry's Pavilion & Resort at Kawit, Cavite was a cool and fun place. Not a beach resort, sadly, but all the other places were damn packed.
These kids are around 3 to 4 years old. Hahahaha! Akala mo talaga seryosong nag-uusap!
The next day, May 28, was Kheeno's real birth date. Since we were all tired (superbly, my mom and I had to go off work for the day), we weren't able to hold another food-only party. So we just cooked pansit and bought a cake.
Oh well. It was still one of our best celebrations. Haha! Happy 3rd year on earth, kid!
The day was full of laughter and crazy conversations. It was tiring of course but as it was already the last that we probably had seen a full sunny day, it could not get any better.
The kids were way tired already that I thought that was what they were talking about here:
These kids are around 3 to 4 years old. Hahahaha! Akala mo talaga seryosong nag-uusap!
The next day, May 28, was Kheeno's real birth date. Since we were all tired (superbly, my mom and I had to go off work for the day), we weren't able to hold another food-only party. So we just cooked pansit and bought a cake.
We also gave him balloons! But crazy kid would not blow his candles with everybody watching him. Seriously!
Oh well. It was still one of our best celebrations. Haha! Happy 3rd year on earth, kid!
5.31.2012
5.24.2012
This can be a good life
May 12 to 13, 2012
La Luz Beach Resort
Laiya, Batangas
If only I can be here everyday, where the sand meets the water without hesitation. Where the sun does not hurt. And when life seems to be rocked gently by the wind.
5.16.2012
Well, you can. With a voice like that.
I Can't Make You Love Me - Adele
Turn down the lights
Turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize. Don't patronize me.
Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
Cause I can't make you love me if you don't.
I'll close my eyes, then I won't see
The love you don't feel when you're holdin me
Mornin' will come and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight.
Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
5.06.2012
From reality to insanity and back again
Sometimes, I just wanna go crazy. Mad enough to do stuffs I wouldn't normally do. In front of so many people. Not caring at all about their judgment, their thoughts, and the hatred in their eyes.
There are days when I wanna scream at every idiot trying to park their cars outside the designated lanes. Or go on a glass-breaking trip to the mall where everything I touch would be shattered to pieces. And by the end of that trip, I would simply go to the cashier and hand over a million bucks to pay for everything I've broken.
Other days find me wishing I can just dance in the middle of the street. Sing with the loudest voice I can manage. And just lay on the cement road daring every driver to run their car over me.
Admittedly, there are also days when I wanna be fatally crazy. As in hold my breath 'til my brain uses up all its oxygen supply and just dies on the spot. Or haul my body into a fast-arriving car.
Now, if all of these are in my mind, I can't help but wonder how much of them I could actually hold in. Every single day, people make me relive these thoughts thus making the insanity so tempting. I could cave in to these morbid and stupid thoughts. I could lose.
I choose not to, every single day. Thank God, I still can do.
There are days when I wanna scream at every idiot trying to park their cars outside the designated lanes. Or go on a glass-breaking trip to the mall where everything I touch would be shattered to pieces. And by the end of that trip, I would simply go to the cashier and hand over a million bucks to pay for everything I've broken.
Other days find me wishing I can just dance in the middle of the street. Sing with the loudest voice I can manage. And just lay on the cement road daring every driver to run their car over me.
Admittedly, there are also days when I wanna be fatally crazy. As in hold my breath 'til my brain uses up all its oxygen supply and just dies on the spot. Or haul my body into a fast-arriving car.
Now, if all of these are in my mind, I can't help but wonder how much of them I could actually hold in. Every single day, people make me relive these thoughts thus making the insanity so tempting. I could cave in to these morbid and stupid thoughts. I could lose.
I choose not to, every single day. Thank God, I still can do.
Photo from: Beth Hollingsworth
4.30.2012
Just because . . .
(Not so sure if this is really by William Shakespeare. They say it is.)
Well, at some point, it can be true. You just have to believe. And stop wishing to get everything in the form that you want them to take.
Source: White Paper Quotes
4.05.2012
Take that shot?
I've been reading lots of fanfictions whenever I can. Mostly, they're Harry Potter and The Hunger Games fanfics because they're the ones I can best relate to.
And because of my overwhelming emotions over The Hunger Games and my forever longing for more of Harry Potter, I'm kind of thinking of turning Tarradiddles into my own fanfic pal. Yes, it's still alive (for all those who know this page is existing). But I haven't gotten 'round to posting in there for about half a year already and it's eating me up to pieces. I cannot just delete the entire blog because of course, that's my heart in there.
So occasionally, I might be posting my first fanfics in there. I'll try to be as good as other fanfic writers are but really, I can be clutching at straws here.
Whew. So much for being a blogger who does not always login, right?
I just wish I can get this shot done nice as I could.
And because of my overwhelming emotions over The Hunger Games and my forever longing for more of Harry Potter, I'm kind of thinking of turning Tarradiddles into my own fanfic pal. Yes, it's still alive (for all those who know this page is existing). But I haven't gotten 'round to posting in there for about half a year already and it's eating me up to pieces. I cannot just delete the entire blog because of course, that's my heart in there.
So occasionally, I might be posting my first fanfics in there. I'll try to be as good as other fanfic writers are but really, I can be clutching at straws here.
Whew. So much for being a blogger who does not always login, right?
I just wish I can get this shot done nice as I could.
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