Seven years overdue

Hey.

I've been meaning to write. You know this is the only thing I feel that I'm good at--aside from arguing, of course. But somehow, I can't seem to find the right words to tell you.

Definitely, I can't say hello. I can't even ask how you're doing. We both know I won't get an answer to that anymore. You're not here. And never going to be anymore.

There, I've said it. You're not here anymore. You're never going to be here or anywhere else anymore. But I still can't seem to tell you goodbye. And maybe that's where all of this actually came from--the fact that I can't tell you goodbye. It's been seven years and I still can't.

Well, how do you say goodbye? To that person showed and taught you a lot about life and love that has defined most of what you know now? To all the dreams you made together only to realize they're never going to come true the way you imagined them? To that one person you actually believed would be in your life forever?

Yeah, I was young and stupid enough to believe in all of that. But those are the things that make life bearable when you're young, you know. The idea that someday all of your problems would be bigger because life was also larger and better. Plus, you believed in it, too. And you seemed to be happy enough, so I went and imitated you.

Then you walked out on me. Just like that.

I hated you. I hated what happened. And it's just one more reason to not say goodbye. As long as I remembered, as long as I lived with what happened, the hate would stay. I wanted the hate to live with me for as long as I could. I wanted it to erase all the pain and even the love I had because they were harder to bear.

I hated you so much that I changed. I fought hard and rude to keep myself from doubling over with the pain. I changed my plans, turned my back against law school and everything else we dreamed of together. I kept quiet about everything. And simply stopped believing.

Or maybe I hated you so I would not hate myself more. For being the first to know about how sick you are. For knowing and not doing anything because I wanted to just believe you when you said everything's okay. For not forcing you to get the help that could've made you live longer. For being so damned scared of whatever waited in the future that I basically bailed on you.

And mostly, for not being there when you left.

So how is it fair for me to just tell you goodbye at any moment most convenient for me, right? No fair, that's what I thought. I couldn't do that to you. I owe you too much.

But maybe now, I finally could.

So let me start by saying sorry. For not being there to say it's okay for you to leave, if that's what would make things easier for you. For not being the one to hold your hand and watch your eyes flutter to a close. For not being brave enough to deliver the eulogy I spent three nights working on. I am so sorry I was not there.

Thank you for everything. For treating me like a child those times that I wanted to be childish and immature. For waiting patiently on the phone while I rant out about my Math homework and until I fall asleep. For singing my favorite songs after a bad day in school. And for making me feel like every moment with me was worth your time.

Thank you for letting me hold on to you for this long. And I'm sorry for doing so.

It is now time to let you go.

Everything that you have taught me and all that I know about loving people will be in my heart for the rest of my life. The memories will never leave my mind and I promise to start looking back at them with a smile on my face.

You will, always and forever, be with me as I go and move on to a happier life. Goodbye.